Just 56 hot takes on the weather right now
The weather in the British Isles is so hot that low-lying clouds of sweat have formed, ironically keeping chihuahuas cooler than all other dogs. The Department for Health and Social care has recommended people try to eat five Magnums a day and David Dickinson was seen without a blazer. Yes, the heatwave has entered the 97th consecutive week and we’re all 67 per cent melted.
These 56 jokes won’t cool you down, but they might take your mind off the heat. Read them and see.
1.
|￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣|
| MY BALLS ARE |
| STUCK |
| TO MY LEG |
|＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿|
(__/) ||
(•ㅅ•) ||
/ づ#Heatwaveuk— Phlegm Clandango. (@Cain_Unable) July 23, 2018
2.
https://twitter.com/louiselstevens/status/1021393985741475846
3.
Finally our time has come, this is when people with cold hands and feet inherit the earth. #Heatwaveuk #heatwave
— savva fandi (@SavvaF) July 23, 2018
4.
Everyone in UK when it next rains… #Heatwaveuk pic.twitter.com/EMA0UDtWxI
— Postpack (@PostpackLtd) July 23, 2018
5.
https://twitter.com/Morningstaruk/status/1021389043798593538
6.
https://twitter.com/taliadean/status/1021378949589491712
7.
https://twitter.com/DougArmstrong/status/1021413696915103744
8.
Everyone in Britain can currently be described as a ‘sweaty bitch’. #HeatwaveUK
— Stats Britain (@StatsBritain) July 23, 2018
9.
https://twitter.com/BBCR1/status/1021396511979196417
10.
I’ve honestly just heard an office worker on the radio explaining how tough it is for them working in this heat. Yeah, must be well tough sitting in front of a PC with your fan and air con on eating your ryvitas and hummus #Heatwaveuk
— Chris Busby (@ChrisBusby9) July 23, 2018
11.
Using the train today. #Heatwaveuk pic.twitter.com/BG3Ynx4wtb
— Ben Gazur (@BenTheEpicure) July 23, 2018
12.
It's hot, so I've let all our books take their jackets off.
This is a novel tweet isn't it?
Hello.— Big Green Bookshop (@Biggreenbooks) July 23, 2018
13.
I'm glad it's hot because I can blame my lack of sleep on the heat rather than that time I said 'natch' on a date 13 years ago.
— Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) July 23, 2018
14.
https://twitter.com/KathyBurke/status/1015703248039182342
15.
Sunstroke, all dead. pic.twitter.com/avdsEOdDg8
— David Stokes (@scottywrotem) July 8, 2018
16.
Get your “I’m too fucking hot & sweaty to sleep tonight” name by adding I’m too fucking hot & sweaty to sleep tonight to your name.
Mine’s,
Joe I’m too fucking hot & sweaty to sleep tonight Heenan— joe heenan (@joeheenan) July 8, 2018
17.
https://twitter.com/TechnicallyRon/status/1018775997636898816
18.
This isny even a heatwave anymore, is it? There's no end to this weather. We just live in a hot country now, don't we? We'll rename it Hotland. We've done it. We live in the sunshine now like we always wanted & now we're just sweaty, miserable idiots. I hope we're happy.
— Daw (@_dcalg) July 8, 2018
19.
Despite the heatwave & the fact that I am made out of ham & should not be left out unrefrigerated, I'm having a hot tea. I will not be intimidated into having an "ice-tea" like a psychopath.
— Aisling Bea (@WeeMissBea) July 8, 2018
20.
https://twitter.com/ArtimusFoul/status/1016357221247184896
21.
sex is good and all but have you walked into the supermarket chilled section during the heatwave
— nerdy and ✨fabulous✨ (@HooiWanV) July 8, 2018
22.
https://twitter.com/Alitauqeeraslam/status/1016342266779258880
23.
Everyone complaining about the sun: I promise you, really soon the weather will revert to the 47-weeks-a-year miserable damp-cold horseshit that makes you want to blow your brains out. So just let us have this, please?
— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) July 9, 2018
24.
If it's hot where you are, please stay inside and drink plenty of
fluids. Unless you deny climate change! In which case, thirst is also just fake science, so you should just drink sawdust!— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) July 9, 2018
25.
You (a British person): IT'S A HEATWAVE!
Me (an Australian): You guys are cute. pic.twitter.com/inLHiZ53GE
— Bec Hill a.k.a Be Chill (@bechillcomedian) July 9, 2018
26.
Referendum to have law placed in constitution that if the weather is hotter than 25 degrees, work is cancelled.
— Sue Kirk (@SueKirk) June 27, 2018
27.
It’s 2038. It’s been summer for 20 years. Deodorant is now £15. We slide to work on sweat. Calippo is our queen
— Rachael (@RachaelvsWorld) July 5, 2018
28.
You’re welcome #heatwave pic.twitter.com/J4AqyVh2o5
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) July 2, 2018
