Our 25 favourite jokes of the week
The weekend’s so close, we can almost smell it and we can’t wait, because this has been a frantic week. Labour left the door open for a people’s vote with a ‘remain’ option, while the UN laughed in Donald Trump’s face and he took it as a compliment. Then, this morning, Boris Johnson revealed his 6-point plan for getting a good Brexit and it’s got more smoke and mirrors than Penn and Teller.
Throughout all this, the funny people who live in your phone have been coming up with comedy gold, like these 25 jokes.
1.
police sketch artist: not you again
me: it was real this time i promise
police sketch artist: ok describe his face
me: he had the eyes of a man who burgled ham
police sketch artist: god damnit
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) September 25, 2018
2.
"Hello. I need some headwear for my new job in the city”
“Bowler hat?”
"I'd prefer a hat"— Moose Allain Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) September 24, 2018
3.
Cat is sitting beside me. We share a sweet look, a soft, blinking thing, a reciprocal affection between two mammals on a spinning ball of rock in space. He stirs, and I open my arms, for he is coming to my lap. Wait, nope, he's licking his arsehole.
— Jake Yapp (@jakeyapp) September 25, 2018
4.
https://twitter.com/rebrafsim/status/1043875308498309120
5.
"I love your tattoo. That's in Irish, is It? What does it mean?" pic.twitter.com/hkXUoeGE6m
— The Irish For (@theirishfor) December 23, 2017
6.
leader: after the heist is over, we split up and never communicate again
me: [about to unveil my “crime buddies forever” friendship quilt] never?
— Skoog (@Skoog) September 24, 2018
7.
https://twitter.com/SimonNRicketts/status/1044311090182664192
8.
This is nonsense. It’s 93%. https://t.co/8XR4lXxuQ7
— Tom De Vecchi (@devecs) September 23, 2018
9.
I get the same with Mick Hucknall. pic.twitter.com/MKmHoIvnbe
— Alistair Coleman (@alistaircoleman) September 23, 2018
10.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) September 26, 2018
11.
https://twitter.com/Senzobean/status/1045077540216479746
12.
SPHINX: “What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?”
CONTESTANT: A badly scheduled darts match?”
*Producer talks to Sphinx through earpiece*
SPHINX: “Well….it’s not what I’ve got written on my card, but we’re going to give you that.”— Richard Osman (@richardosman) September 27, 2018
13.
Photo from the 1973 film Carry On Bellends starring Sid James pic.twitter.com/GWAXEBk1gf
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) September 25, 2018