In the field of terrible sex scenes written by men about women, this is surely the worst (NSFW)

John Plunkett. Updated September 13th, 2019

There’s a Twitter feed called ‘Men write Women’ which features ‘Vagina purses & other terrible descriptions of women by men’.

Jolly good it is too with terrific (terrible) example like these.

We don’t get real pockets in pants because we have tiny purses in our vaginas!!! #thanksforthat #menwritingwomen (Stuart Woods, Desperate Measures) pic.twitter.com/42tTjv5Cs9

— Meg Vondriska (@menwritewomen) July 29, 2019

Trust me, if female orgasms were this easy I'd save a LOT of money on sex toys (Stuart Woods) pic.twitter.com/b3QylZaylP

— Meg Vondriska (@menwritewomen) August 4, 2019

https://twitter.com/men_write_women/status/1157393633651376129

And now there’s a new entry and this one is surely the worst (best) of all.

Hey, @men_write_women, has anyone done this one from Smilla’s Sense of Snow, by Peter Hoeg? pic.twitter.com/p8qyoW1JW7

— Veronica von Fluffernutter (@VeronicaFluff) September 12, 2019

And just in case that’s tricky to read.

‘Standing in the middle of the bedroom, we take off each other’s clothes.

‘He has a light, fumbling brutality, which several times makes me think that this time it’ll cost me my sanity. In our drawing, mutual intimacy, I induce him to open the little slit in the head of his penis so I can put my clitoris inside and fuck him.’

Answers on a postcard.

Not everything translates well into English. This may make perfect sense in Danish, LOL.

— ShawnaKA 🍸 (@Fluffyspunsugar) September 12, 2019

No, sorry. It's a pretty precise translation and it makes as little sense in the original. I assume it's some sort of metaphor or something. Darn daft if you ask me.

— Christina (@clagerdk) September 12, 2019

I can only imagine that is the sort of sentence a translator would double, nay, TRIPLE check before going ahead…

— VeronicaVonF (@VeronicaFluff) September 12, 2019

many is the time i've woken with a sore urinary meatus because my wife has so brutally smashed it with her devils doorknob the night before.

— Bob (@ConsumateBob) September 12, 2019

We all suffer from self-doubt and Imposter's Syndrome when writing, and when it strikes we should all read this, remember this was made into a movie with Julia Ormond, and be kinder to ourselves.

— David Doherty-Jebb (@dpj1980) September 12, 2019

I wonder why they didn't show this scene in the movie.

— (((Klefstadmyrs Efterretninger))) (@Klefstadmyr) September 12, 2019

Excuse me, officer, I'd like to report a crime against biology and literature.

— M Ikemoto (@ikemoto_m) September 12, 2019

I realise people do all kinds of things sexually and obviously all power to them, but I've never understood the appeal of sex acts that involve lots of logistical effort with no obvious reward.

— Danny Kodicek (@DannyKodicek) September 12, 2019

I'm gonna blow right past that last bit and ask

what is "fumbling brutality"

— nicole tersigni (@nicsigni) September 12, 2019

I think this describes a man who rushes to throw a lady on the bed, but misjudges and chucks himself out the window instead.

— Barbaric Yawp (@BarbaricYawpHS) September 12, 2019

And just in case you were still in any doubt.

Hello, I translate from Danish, and I'm not sure whether I'm pleased or horrified to report it's NOT a translation issue 😅

— Siân Mackie (@ren_lessien) September 12, 2019

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