You need to read this thread about a terrible gig – so you can rejoice at not being there

It seemed Gammony John wanted a word.

Eventually Henchman made a vague amount of sense: “get John up!” he spat. “What?” I replied. “Get John up, get John up!”. He pointed at John, the big loud red gammon. John clicked his fingers at me…….I thought of the sweeeet dollar, swallowed my rage and went to him.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

A baffling word.

John was incapable of talking to me without gripping my whole arm in those giant purple hands. He pulled me towards him and slurred “we’re hating this, it’s not working, we’re hating it”.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

I said “what WOULD you like then?” (sweeeet dollar, stay calm Sooz) and he said “something we know, not this old shit!”. I’d just sung Build Me Up Buttercup, Dancing Queen and Simply the Best. I checked the playlist later, those were what I just did. They didn't know those songs?

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

And reeeeally unhelpful.

I said “name the songs you’d like” and John cried “just stuff we knowwww!” and I replied “well I’m not psychic John!” and he continued to tell me it wasn’t working and that they were all hating it. I offered to stop and he said “nah, just do stuff we know”. Reader, I married him.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

“Help” came …

Just over an hour to go. I could do it, I could sing bog standard hits with the cold dead eyes of a shark. A younger woman, probably my age with a cat’s arse mouth of disapproval marched over to me. “Put this on” she passed me her phone “my kids want to do a dance”.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

Thinking of the sweeeet dollar for the 3463574634th time that evening I announced that some children were gonna dance for us. Nobody cared. The mum said to the 3 kids “do it properly though yeah, full out, full out, yeah?”. I pressed play on Little Mix from the mum’s phone.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

Leading to an even weirder place.

What followed was 3 children doing…a sexy dance. The mum, unsmiling, did the moves in front of them for them to follow. it made Little Miss Sunshine’s denouement look chaste and appropriate.

It received minor applause.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

Sooz’s struggles to just do her fucking job were again frustrated.

I went back to my soulless singing. Henchman returned. Through his saliva it appeared John wanted to speak to me again. Into the mic I said “I’m aware you’re hating what I’m doing, SIR” and he dragged me by the forearm to talk to John.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

John AGAIN grabbed my whole arm. “COULD EVERYBODY STOP TOUCHING ME!” I snapped and it didn’t change John’s demeanour but he did let me have my arm back. “Right, it’s just not working, everyone’s saying it”. Reader, John announced: “we’re gonna do karaoke, get the karaoke up”.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

What is it they say about pearls before swine?

John wanted me to run karaoke. 2 weeks previously I’d been on stage at the London Coliseum.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

I don’t run karaoke, it’s not in my job description. But I had masonic wifi and I wanted that sweeeet dollar without a fight. “John, what do you want to sing?”. He said “Chas n Dave, Ain’t No Pleasing You”. “Ooo that’s apt!” I said. “Eh?” John replied.

WOAH TOUGH CROWD etc.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

The impossible-to-please Gammony John stepped up …

I got the karaoke vid up on Youtube, announced John was gonna sing and sat behind my laptop to press play. He began singing.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

This clip not only demonstrates how awful John was, but confirms Sooz’s claim about the killer lashes.

Guys, would you believe it, John was fucking shit. But don’t take my word for it, I covertly recorded a sample for you. Would have been too obvious to point my phone at him but here is me, live, believing I'm hiding my true feelings. pic.twitter.com/1CxdcDzulg

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

We can’t blame her for being at – or off- the end of her tether.

Note the absolute hatred in my eyes. I was attempting to look serene, I swear, I was in full view of all the masons and thought I was nailing looking completely happy.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

There was some comfort in the audience reaction to John.

PLOT TWIST: the crowd were barely more enthused by John’s singing than mine.

“Not as easy as it looks is it John!” I said in to the mic to zero reaction. The karaoke didn’t continue.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

I’m not a big one for extreme rage, it takes a lot for me to REALLY lose my shit. I continued my set physically shaking with anger. The only other time I can think of where I shook with rage while performing was working for Simon Gross (that’s another thread waiting to happen).

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

Of course, karaoke wouldn’t do for the New Year countdown.

I limped through the rest of the evening. I’d been told that at midnight I was to do the countdown, do Auld Lang Syne, do one more song and then shut everything off. I sang Auld Lang Syne, alone, and then announced it was time for the final song of the night.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

"Well, happy new year, it's time for my final song" I said through gritted teeth. “Silent night please” gammoned a gammon. Everyone LOST THEIR SHIT laughing at this.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

We’re happy to report that she left them with something to think about.

I felt my Royal Academy of Music postgrad certificate spontaneously combust and closed the night singing the angriest rendition of Queen’s We Are The Champions ever performed. At the end I went “FUCK BREXIT”, did a mic drop and stormed off the stage to stunned silence.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

And a probably damaged mic.

This sounds amazing doesn't it, like a movie finale….until you realise that I’d dropped MY OWN MIC and 5 minutes later had to go and pick it up and pack it away as they were all leaving.

It’s a Shure SM58 though so no harm done.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

Still …there was that sweet dollar that had helped her through the ordeal.

The couple running the night forlornly handed me an envelope of cash which YOU'D BETTER BELIEVE I counted, in front of them and with a right face on me. It was a relief, I had envisioned a fight on my hands for my fee.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

“I’ve been doing this job for over a decade and that is by far the worst I have ever been treated by an audience at a gig” I told them. They told me that every time they book a singer this happens. MAYBE STOP BOOKING SINGERS THEN, GENIUS.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

The next day I went to County Mall in Crawley and spent some of my substantial wage on stuff John would hate: posh makeup and vegan food. Yeah, showed him! Not even vegan, take that you bunch of masonic jerks.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

So, that was the worst gig – and the worst New Year – ever.

It was the worst New Years Eve I’ve ever had. And on New Years Eve 2010 I had a chest infection and sat with my crying mother all evening coz the next day she was leaving my dad. THIS WAS WORSE THAN THAT!

Follow @annakempner.

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

Just so you can see what Philistines those Masons were, here’s Sooz singing up a storm.

NOT that I need to justify myself but I can actually sing. Even better than John. https://t.co/8FxqvPRSJl

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) October 6, 2019

Source: @SoozUK Image: Sooz Kempner, @kvtepov on Unsplash

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