Boris Johnson’s opponent Count Binface is out of this world

Nine times out of ten, or fourteen times out of eight according to the latest Liberal Democrat bar graph, parliamentary candidates are – well, boring.

They’re either the incumbent you know and probably don’t want, the inexplicably positive contender whose policies aren’t that different from the incumbent’s, or they’re the slightly odd one with the startlingly localised single issue, like free window boxes for everybody in Tooting.

“Boring” is in no way an accurate description of Count Binface, currently standing as an Independent candidate against the Prime Minister himself, in his constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip.

For a start, Count Binface has a bin …for a face, although the detectives among you may have already deduced that from his Ronseal-like moniker, but that pales into insignificance next to the fact that he hails from another planet.

From Count Binface’s website, and Twitter feed, we pulled up some background information:

The Count has previously visited the Earth in a different incarnation, when he stood against Theresa May under the name Lord Buckethead in the 2017 snap election that definitely stabilised the Commons and got Brexit done – in another dimension.

Back in this dimension, a little legal skirmish, which would definitely deconstruct the comedy, resulted in Lord Buckethead performing a Whovian regeneration, and the creation of Count Binface.

Given that the abolition of the House of Lords was on his manifesto in 2017, it seems fitting that he should have renounced his former title.

Receptacle-bonced rivalries aside, Count Binface must maintain his focus if he is to have a shot at the prize – and we don’t mean the novelty eraser that fairgrounds give out for hitting the target a dozen times in a row from a distance of approximately half a mile.

My focus is naturally on the main parties. Johnson claims his Brexit is “oven-ready”. I say it is shop-soiled, past its sell-by-date and contains male bovine faecal matter. The only way to unite the country is ANOTHER REFERENDUM, about whether there should be another referendum.

— Count Binface (@CountBinface) November 14, 2019

Those who remember his campaign of two years ago will doubtless be relieved to hear that he has revived his promise to reinstate CEEFAX with the exciting prospects, as he told the Poke, of “adding 3-D Pool to the In-Vision Sport options, and covering a little more intergalactic news than they did in the past.”

He even went on to suggest that the iconic Bamboozle Quiz could be expanded, which I’m sure comes as welcome news to us all.

We asked him a few non-CEEFAX-related questions, as well, on the outside chance that anybody would need any other reason to give him their vote than the prospect of more Bamboozle, and this is what we discovered.

Key points from the upcoming manifesto:

Brexit

As we also saw in his tweet, Count Binface will demand a referendum on whether to have another referendum – which seems reasonable and very in tune with the Will of the people, whom we’ve narrowed down to “Young” or “I.Am”.

Defence policy

Stop selling arms to Saudi Arabia.
Start buying lasers from Count Binface.

We also asked His Countship Countliness Countryfile whether he would be prepared to form an alliance with any of the other parties. His answer was this:

“The fact that you are asking an intergalactic space warrior whether he would form an alliance with one of the major parties in the House of Commons says everything about the state of British politics, don’t you think? I’m not mad!”

Good point. It was a spectacularly stupid question.

As he has a bin for a face and is the leader of The Recyclons, we discussed his green credentials, which was far less rude than it sounds once we’d looked up “credentials” in a dictionary. In particular, we enquired about whether he and his followers might have secured the backing of Greta Thunberg. He told us,

“I can’t tell you if the Recyclons have Greta’s backing, but I can tell you that Greta certainly has ours. Indeed if she is ever interested in finding an E.T. to her Elliott, I hereby invite her to buy a Speak & Spell toy on eBay and give me a call.

(I should add that I won’t get drunk by stealing her mother’s beer or fake my own death as E.T. notoriously did. He gave us aliens a bad name.)”

In unconnected news, if anybody knows Steven Spielberg, we may have a reboot pitch for him. Coincidentally, this 2019 Count Binface election broadcast, which bears a passing resemblance to a far inferior one we may all have seen recently, could be viewed as an audition tape for “E.T.2: We’re Going To Need A Bigger Closet“.

Boris Johnson might need to watch his back on December 12th; it could be bin day.

Source: countbinface.com, @CountBinface, Additional, Image: Courtesy of CountBinface, Screengrab from YouTube