Our 11 favourite funny versions of Tory maths
You probably noticed the Conservatives trying to slip a sneaky claim about nurses past the media – and everyone else – yesterday, when Nicky Morgan’s attempts to back up the numbers came a cropper on Good Morning Britain.
Piers and Susanna cutting through the bullshit like a hot knife through butter. pic.twitter.com/5gTVPcnfbk
— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) November 25, 2019
In short, the Tories expect people to buy into the idea that 31,000 new nurses + 19,000 existing nurses + 50,000 new nurses, which is hilariously reminiscent of their previous insistence that 20,000 new police – 21,000 police = 20,000 new police. Understandably, Twitter questioned the Tories’ numeracy skills. These were the best we saw.
1.
Today I have two children, tomorrow I hope to retain them, will I have 2 new children? #NursesPledgeNonsense
— Jess Phillips Esq., (@jessphillips) November 25, 2019
2.
Don’t expect Boris to know how many more nurses there will be when he doesn’t know how many children he has #torymaths #ToryManifesto
— Tiffany Stevenson (@tiffstevenson) November 25, 2019
3.
You have 399 apples. I give you an extra apple and allow you to keep the apples you already have. Have I given you:
a) 1 apple; or
b) 400 apples?#ToryMaths— Eiron Page (@OldFridgesKill) November 25, 2019
4.
I had a fiver in my wallet yesterday, and I've just got change from a tenner so put another fiver in there.
I have £5 more in there today, though by Tory thoughts I have an extra tenner in there #nurses#torymaths
— Neil Scully (@neilscully) November 25, 2019
5.
telling my boss i'll turn up for the rest of the year, but i'm counting 19 days i already worked so basically i'm done for christmas #torymaths
— Gordon Maloney (@gordonmaloney) November 25, 2019
6.
Loving the new #torymaths.
2 + 2 = 'more, but in a different way'.
I think this may be the breakthrough maths has been looking for since Thales.— simon maginn (@simonmaginn) November 25, 2019
7.
Nicky Morgan, who used to be Secretary of State for Education, had 19 marbles.
She added some new marbles to her collection. She now has 50 marbles.
How many new marbles does Nicky have?
That's right, Nicky has 50 new marbles.
Nicky has lost all of her marbles.#torymaths
— Mr Jones 🇪🇺 (@mr_jonestweets) November 25, 2019
8.
If Boris has 10 kids but he only pays child support for 6 of them, how much child support does Boris owe?#torymaths
— Becky (@BeckyEcki) November 25, 2019
9.
Nicky Morgan getting a round in.
“Is that 3 pints then?”
“Actually Nicky, we need 2 more”Comes back with 3.
“We said 3 more Nicky.”
“Yes. This is 3 more. I managed to retain the first 2 pints so only needed to buy 1 extra”#torymaths #nickymorgan— Luis (@OnlyLuisHere) November 25, 2019
10.
#torymaths 300 Spartans holding the pass at Thermopylae. Commander Nicky Morgan manages to persuade 200 Spartans not to desert. There are now 500 Spartans holding the pass at Thermopylae.
THIS IS TORY MATHS +×÷-? pic.twitter.com/OIXy14tHE9— Stephen Miller (@BoyCharioteer) November 25, 2019
11.
If you have ten apples, and Nicky Morgan eats three, you'll get 50,000 more nurses
— The Rochdale Herald (@RochdaleHerald) November 25, 2019
Hilarious Boris Johnson parody, @BorisJohnson_MP spotted one of the usual suspects supporting the Conservative claims.
Who better to defend our noble NHS promises than a misogynistic, homophobic tosser who mocks the disabled and thinks we should use eugenics on poor people to stop them being so thick.#torymaths pic.twitter.com/p0zLOvK9Aa
— Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) November 25, 2019
We wonder why his dad had to pull strings to get him into university.
Source: Twitter, Image: GMB, @crissyjarvis on Unsplash, Twitter
Read more: Piers Morgan just schooled Nicky Morgan and people are shocked to find themselves cheering him
