Politics conservatives general election

Michael Gove has stepped down and the internet has stepped up – 23 favourite not-so-fond farewells

After 19 years as an MP, the past 14 of which have been spent in one ministerial position or another, Michael Gove has announced he will not be standing for re-election in July.

There’s a lot packed into his resignation letter, so here are a few main points.

“I am proud to watch the reforms which I introduced at the Department for Education bear fruit.”

Translation: Remember when schools did the Arts? Your kids won’t – LOL.

“In the Ministry of Justice, I …drove forward the introduction of virtual hearings which are commonplace today.”

Translation: It’s a good job we can do virtual hearings, because there aren’t enough legal staff to run the real ones.

“At the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, I put in place progressive farming and fishing policies to ensure a Green Brexit … and introduced our landmark 25 year Environment Plan to crack down on harmful single-use plastics and protect our oceans.”

Translation: We had to slaughter and burn thousands of healthy animals and watch tons of produce rot because there aren’t enough farm workers since Brexit. Don’t get me started on the literal rivers of faeces.

“I am proud to have led the Vote Leave campaign alongside Boris Johnson …which secured the largest mandate in modern British history for a vote to Leave the European Union and take back control of our political destiny.”

Translation: What economic damage? Russian inter-what, now? Look! A squirrel!

“Rishi has the plan our country needs at a time of global insecurity and growing challenge. He also has the policies which will guarantee a brighter, more prosperous future.”

Translation: If we’d had a plan to fix the country, we’d have used it at some point over the last 14 years. Rishi will be in California this time next year.

The Gove legacy

His political record may read like an episode of the Thick of It, but for that very reason, he has at least provided some comic relief.

Who can forget the time he appeared to have lost either his mind or a bet, and did a range of comedy accents during a BBC Breakfast interview?

Let’s enjoy once more the sight of one of the chief architects of the UK’s recent downfall pouring water onto his own phone.

We must apologise for subjecting you to Gove’s attempt to get down with the kids – but it’s still funny.

Gove down with the kids – take two.

No Portillo moment

His decision not to stand on July 4th has obviously deprived us all of the chance to see his little defeated face at the Surrey Heath Count. After 14 years of failing to deliver for the electorate, he has at least maintained consistency to the end.