Just 48 of the best one-liners to distract you from the gloom and give you a bit of a laugh
- Tim Vine: Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many levels.
- Mark Watson: I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
- Gary Delaney: I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said ‘Thanks.’ I said, ‘Don’t mention it.’
- Steven Wright: I poured spot remover on my dog… now he’s gone.
- Anthony Jeselnik: The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
- Jimmy Carr: I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
- Zach Galifianakis: I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- Joe Lycett: I bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.
- Emo Phillips: I like going to the park and watching the children run around because you see, they don’t know I’m using blanks.
- Darren Walsh: I named my dog ‘5 Miles’ so I can tell people I walk 5 Miles every day.
- Steven Wright: I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
- Mitch Hedberg: I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t make a difference.
- Mark Simmons: I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics — I just got bronze.
- Tim Vine: Velcro — what a rip-off.
- Anthony Jeselnik: I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. That’s when I knew we weren’t going to work out.
- Milton Jones: I’ve started investing in stocks — beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
- Gary Delaney: My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
- Rodney Dangerfield: When I was a kid my parents moved a lot — but I always found them.
- Demetri Martin: I wonder what fish look like when they blink.
- Mitch Hedberg: An escalator can never break — it can only become stairs.
- Stewart Francis: I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.
- Emo Phillips: I once bought a map of the world. It’s actual size.
- Gary Delaney: I hate funerals — I’m not a mourning person.
Image Wikimedia Commons
