Our 25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week
Happy long-weekend Friday, for those in the UK and the US. Your time is nearly here, Ireland. The rest of you, well – soz. Sucks to be you, probably.
In preparation for whatever length weekend you’re about to have, how about reading some funny stuff we’ve spotted this week on Twitter?
1.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Schrödinger: Nice.
— World of Engineering (@engineers_feed) May 19, 2026
2.
Did you know there's 90 grams of protein in shutting the hell up?
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 20, 2026
3.
it’s only diet coke if it’s from the diét coque region of France. otherwise it’s just sparkling brown wine
— trash jones (@jzux) May 20, 2026
4.
Eating 6 pine cones a day for 18 years as an experiment is not “wasting my life.” Although not recording one bit of data was probably an oversight.
— (@MoMohler) May 19, 2026
5.
“it’s rude to be on your phone at a restaurant” i know i’m so sorry i just remembered tortoises and needed to google about them really quick. it couldn’t wait unfortunately. age, size, etc.
— chase (@_chase_____) May 18, 2026
6.
traveling with a baby is wild bc you would not be allowed to take your 20lb pet monkey to basically any public location but almost every establishment on earth lets you bring your baby.
— Romy (@Romy_Holland) May 18, 2026
7.
Naan is so delicious they should have named it Yaay
— HTHAZE (@hthaze) May 19, 2026
8.
you'll never convince me that meteorologists count pollen
— Anthony McHats (@TheHatStore) April 16, 2026
9.
For something that sleeps like 18 hours a day, my cat is awfully judgy when I take a little nap
— Ⓜ️isterD (@MisterD78UK) May 20, 2026
10.
Kim Carnes' popularity exploded with her 1981 hit "Bette Davis Eyes" but, sadly, the release of her follow-up song, "Olivia de Havilland Earlobes," was cancelled by her label because they thought it was "too derivative."
— Horatio Quartzjixler (@Quartzjixler) May 20, 2026
11.
A lot of times my brain wants to choose to be "the better person" but my mouth is faster on its feet.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) May 20, 2026
12.
People say there's nothing better than sleeping in freshly washed sheets, but I find them far too wet.
— Martin Pilgrim (@MartinPilgrim1) May 20, 2026