Broccoli: ‘miracle cure’ for vertigo?

Cognitive therapists in Utah, North America today heralded broccoli as a ‘step changing’ new aid in the treatment of vertigo.

Doctors harness the vegetable’s resemblance to tiny trees, arranging them on the floor like a miniature forests to create an illusion of high altitude as their patients look on from above.

While terrified at first, sufferers gradually become more at ease with their surroundings and can achieve complete recovery within a matter of months. “Before, I couldn’t even climb a small step ladder,” said one patient. “Last week I BASE jumped off the Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur”.

This is not the first time that the healing power of vegetables has been harnessed for the treatment of a psychological disorder. During the Victorian era Dr Wilfred Arlington pioneered the famous ‘pumpkin boot’ to prevent somnambulism in small children and until as late as the 1990’s the French navy issued one large, lard-greased aubergine per crew member for every month away from port to combat kinetosis (sea sickness).

“I think we all know deep, deep down inside that we need to put the ‘Farm’ back into Pharmaceutical”, said Admiral Jean-Luc Canale (Ret.).