Eric Pickles’ face ‘approaching critical mass’

Conservative Party Crisis: With conference season approaching and a fierce round of self-examination on the cards for all parties, it was a shock blow for the Conservatives yesterday when Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government Eric Pickles was airlifted to a secure platform off the Lincolnshire coast for ‘reasons of national security’.

Eric Pickles' face 'approaching critical mass'

After a routine meeting with department colleagues at 4pm, his already extremely dense facial features began to contract under their own weight, thin rings of surrounding dust forming around his head. It’s been speculated that Mr Pickles may suffocate if the force of gravity within his face increases much further.

Party members have been united in expressing their concern. “We are trying to promote a smaller, less centralized form of government,” junior cabinet colleague Abu Da Sufel told us.

“That’s going to be increasingly difficult if the Department of Local Government starts to absorb nearby ministries and develop into some sort of enormous superdepartment that has no concept of its boundaries.”

Scientists from the Royal Astronomical Society are monitoring Mr Pickles’ face to establish if drastic action needs to be taken to prevent further gravitational collapse, such as launching the august parliamentarian into orbit.

“For the moment,” Mr Da Sufel continued, “the Minister can go about his ministerial duties by simply listening and responding to communications from a safe distance. He is an intelligent and well-respected colleague, and as long as no-one feeds him or gets him to sign anything, he can continue to serve his country.”

When asked if Mr Pickles’ face could gain sufficient mass to become a black hole, experts were keen to ease concerns, assuring the public that “the only black hole in government will continue to be in the Conservative party’s accounts”.

While Nick Clegg was quick to show his support for Mr. Pickles, it is doubted that any coalition partners from the Liberal Democrat party will be affected by the situation as they have very little energy and no mass.

Story+Image: Chris Miller