McDonalds bids for NHS services

NHS News: With Britain scandalised by recent reports of poor standards in healthcare for the elderly, and just days after Health Secretary Andrew Lansley’s Health & Social Care Reform bill escaped condemnation in the Lords, offers of private sector investment in healthcare are beginning to arrive from some unlikely quaters.

McDonalds bids for NHS services

Sir Botolph Costello, Chief Executive of McDonalds (UK), opened proceedings by presenting to the Department of Health a 300-page tender for cradle-to-grave cardiovascular examination and treatment services, in keeping with McDonalds’ ongoing commitment to a healthier lifestyle.

“We’re not just about less salt and an extra bit of lettuce,” he told us, “we are committed to full responsibility for the wellbeing of our customers, which is why we are offering fast-track assessments for families with loyalty cards who buy 10 Meal Deals. Plus, the kids get a hat.”

BP sent out a press release soon after indicating that they were looking into development of treatment kits for internal haemorrhage, claiming that they were ‘experts in emergency leak situations.’

Rumours are also beginning to circulate among industry experts that Toyota are making plans for clinics nationwide to provide assistance to people living with motor function disorders; though they may face stiff competition from Yamaha, who are looking to expand their portfolio beyond motorbikes, keyboards and cheap drum kits.

The real surprise of the day however came from NestlĂ©, whose share price shot up as news broke that they were setting up a program to provide palliative care to the nation’s elderly, with a bid coming from their Petfood division headed by Jeremy Soylent-Green.

“For too long the country’s oldest and most infirm have suffered at the hands of an outdated system with no concept of the real importance of giving them the dignity, respect, and above all the balanced diet that they deserve. We can provide all of that, and funeral sevices as well.”

Andrew Lansley, who in no way stands to profit personally from any of these measures, has been very positive about the emerging potential in the healthcare market.

“Private enterprise will breathe new life into a largely overburdened and flagging health service,” he said. “I have no doubt that in the years to come, patients in this country will enjoy the same quality, efficiency, and standard of care that rail passengers do.”


Story+Image: Chris Miller