50 Tweets to brighten your day #4
Twitter isn’t just angry people screaming their opinions at each other.
Ok it is mostly that, but there are some people who throw jokes into the void, and here are some of our favourites.
1.
Pretend to be a Rapper by asking ladies in bikinis what your name is.
— trouteyes (@trouteyes) November 13, 2013
2.
The Cheese Of Truth Vs The Daily Mail https://t.co/KTp7ZF28vS
— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) September 24, 2015
3.
https://twitter.com/EJGomez/status/409392298561376256
4.
Adulthood is just seeing how much you can get done while tired.
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) June 13, 2015
5.
https://twitter.com/ilikemints/status/643552504723148800
6.
https://twitter.com/thenatewolf/status/541472916945121280
7.
https://twitter.com/Fred_Delicious/status/258533115830599680
8.
https://twitter.com/JhonRules/status/647310043101007872
9.
https://twitter.com/SummerRay/status/586585492164083712
10.
https://twitter.com/Twitflup/status/642220649767960576
11.
An e-mail confirming you've unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you're not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
— sixthformpoet (@sixthformpoet) September 15, 2015
12.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
"Grow up Karen"
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) May 19, 2014
13.
if u can't handle me at my worst then my best is literally the same except I brush my hair
— Beth McColl (@imbethmccoll) March 4, 2014
14.
https://twitter.com/KeetPotato/status/641931573470883840
15.
She came from Greece,
she had a faulty socket.
Her eye fell out,
she couldn't stop it.That's when I
caught her eye.— Brian Bilston (@brian_bilston) September 7, 2015
16.
If anyone needs a taxidermied badger that's been turned into a theremin, I saw this one for sale on Facebook earlier. pic.twitter.com/yUvP66eFFI
— cluedont (@cluedont) September 15, 2015
17.
https://twitter.com/rolldiggity/status/528215605644505090
18.
the exact moment my dog realized that the cat was coming home with us for good pic.twitter.com/ycqfA9relO
— Jade Van Kley (@BacklineNurse) August 31, 2015
19.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) December 4, 2013
20.
i love the term “partners.” are we dating? do we run a legal firm? are we robbing a bank? Who knows.
— yu narukami (@yunacaromi) August 24, 2015
21.
You've seen nothing until you've seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon: pic.twitter.com/gfkUGVcb3p
— Periwinkle Jones (@peachesanscream) December 18, 2013
22.
Women's deodorant scents: rose, cotton, spring, meadow
Men's: WINTER ICE, SHARKNADO, GLACIER PUNCH, ANTIFREEZE, GUN— Sophie Gadd (@sophie_gadd) December 1, 2014
23.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn't clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
— Dan (@ehdannyboy) March 6, 2015
24.
[feeding baby]
Me: open wide for the airplane
Wife: he's 3 months old. He's not ready for pizza
Baby: you fucken stay outta this— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 1, 2015
25.
I always pay for my own dinner so my date can save his money for therapy
— Amanda hugnkiss (@caliluvgirl77) July 18, 2015
26.
Actually Roxanne, when cycling late at night, you DO have to put on that red light. Be safe, be seen, Roxanne.
— Ollie Garch (Not Sanctioned) (@ojedge) March 31, 2015
27.
https://twitter.com/therealeatwood/status/622556117227446272
28.
"Have some respect. This is a funeral"
*slowly removes giant sombrero revealing smaller yet still pretty big sombrero*
— steve suckington (@SteveSuckington) August 18, 2015
29.
*calls over air steward*
can i get a pepsi and some plain nuts please
*steward leans in*
up here we just call them nuts, sir— on bluesky at explod.es (@egg_dog) September 15, 2015
30.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE pic.twitter.com/POeUOOrOX3— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 31, 2015
31.
https://twitter.com/KeetPotato/status/653887499329228800
32.
https://twitter.com/sashadaisical/status/653218576233590784
33.
Okay, who knew that this could happen? All these years. Mind blown. pic.twitter.com/AP2St0fwzJ
— Hugo Rifkind (@hugorifkind) October 14, 2015
34.
Bought some popcorn at the cinema earlier. Just need to get a pay rise, sell a few of my possessions and I'll be back on my feet in no time.
— cluedont (@cluedont) October 11, 2015
35.
Thought I saw Van Morrison go past my window this morning.
Turns out it was just a Morrisons van reversing.
Embarrassing.
— Jason (@NickMotown) October 2, 2013
36.
https://twitter.com/TechnicallyRon/status/654971964818329600/photo/1
37.
https://twitter.com/keverrst/status/649351878346698752/photo/1
38.
https://twitter.com/VintagePear/status/461261006740942848/photo/1
39.
https://twitter.com/edmorrish/status/575285436094017536/photo/1
40.
https://twitter.com/mrphoenix/status/651813408229183493/photo/1
41.
https://twitter.com/UniqueDude2/status/637851144899985408
42.
My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.
— JennyPentland, GED (@JennyPentland) October 9, 2014
43.
https://twitter.com/thinkbri/status/648319527760076800
44.
You've heard of alphabet soup; now get ready for:
Times new ramen.
— Ada Rose Cannon (@AdaRoseCannon) September 27, 2015
45.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
"Just throw it all in a lake somewhere," says one long-billed scientist— Jackson (@yungshepherdboy) April 28, 2015
46.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You're not even trying.— Paul (@bingowings14) April 20, 2015
47.
"Fly me to the Moon, let me play among the stars" – Frank Sinatra
"I need to borrow your shuttle, I can't say why…" – Evasive Sinatra
— Greg Jenner (@greg_jenner) December 22, 2014
48.
https://twitter.com/Home_Halfway/status/300077557733289984
49.
this is the same species that split the atom and sent a probe to pluto pic.twitter.com/IgOQ3tvca9
— Luke Bailey (@imbadatlife) October 11, 2015
50.
I didn't take my husband's name when I got married. I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith.
— Oonagh (@Okeating) October 12, 2015