Theresa May demands personal hazmat suit after meeting real people for the first time

Poke Staff. Updated May 2nd, 2017

The Prime Minister is to get her own hazardous materials suit to wear on the general election campaign trail, in case she comes into direct contact with more actual people.

“God I think I might have breathed some of their skin in,” a distressed May was overheard telling aides during a recent visit to Cornwall.

The Prime Minister was then spotted furiously using hand sanitiser and telling an assistant that she would have to “burn all her fucking clothes now” because they “smell of newsagents and chips.”

“Mrs. May loves the people of Britain,” said a Conservative Party spokesman.

“It’s just that she doesn’t love to come into direct contact with them – you simply don’t know where they’ve been.”

“So with the good of the country at heart the Prime Minister has bravely volunteered to continue campaigning – from inside an impermeable whole-body suit that will protect her to exposure from both the great British public and any challenging questions about government policy.”