Our 25 favourite funny jokes from this week
Winter is coming, but so is the weekend, so it’s not so bad. At least we aren’t being yelled at by the Ryanair Racist, right? Nor are we being sent suspicious packages, apart from the ones we’ve forgotten we ordered from Amazon after a cheeky bottle of Blue Nun. To keep this positive vibe going, we’ve collected 25 of the funniest things we’ve seen on Twitter this week.
1.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) October 20, 2018
2.
https://twitter.com/somegreybloke/status/1055062079886028800
3.
Started with a new personal trainer on Monday and now I can’t even go up stairs. My legs are fine but he’s up there having sex with my wife.
— Josh Pugh (@JoshPughComic) October 25, 2018
4.
Dieting is difficult at first but then you grow accustomed to giving up the last thing that brought you joy.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) October 25, 2018
5.
Press 1
To listen to Bridge Over Troubled Waters for 12 minutes before the line goes dead.Press 2
To speak to Martin, who has only worked here 4 days and can’t work the line transfer system yet.Press 3
To hear a loud buzzing noise and 3 clicks before the line goes dead.— rab livingstone (@rablivingstone) October 24, 2018
6.
What is small red and whispers?
A hoarse radish
— vivienne clore (@Vivienneclore) October 24, 2018
7.
Given the state of his hair, that's quite some statement. pic.twitter.com/2kvIEQ70BC
— Jason (@NickMotown) October 24, 2018
8.
https://twitter.com/amateuradam/status/1055031142427045888
9.
https://twitter.com/TeaAndCopy/status/1055063808161599490
10.
https://twitter.com/watsoncomedian/status/1055092718895095809
11.
{My first day as a crime scene photographer}
DETECTIVE: Stop adding Snapchat filters.— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) October 20, 2018
12.
Judge: How do you plead?
Greg: Can my dog visit me if I go to prison?
Judge: No.
Greg: *lips close to the mic* Innocent.
— ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) October 20, 2018