People are sharing their favourite jokes – these 35+ are absolute crackers
19.
I painted my wife twice in cheese
DOUBLE GLOUCESTER
— Sir Andy Murray (@mrsbiltawulf) December 12, 2018
20.
Two snowmen sitting in a field, minding their own business. Slowly, one turns to the other and says “Can you smell carrots?”
— I’m A Keegan (@andykeegan) December 12, 2018
21.
I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the Tube. It only took us an hour to get from Barking to Tooting.
— Pablo L (@longpablo) December 12, 2018
22.
[At the edge of a boating lake].
Boat Hirer: “Come in Boat No. 99, your time is up”.
Boat Hirer’s Assistant: “But we don’t have a Boat No. 99”.
Boat Hirer: “Boat No. 66, are you in trouble?”— Chris (@cjhancock) December 12, 2018
23.
Why does the Lieutenant Colonel wake at 5am then make his horse whinny into his hand so he can sniff it?
Because he loves the smell of neigh-palm in the morning.
— Tokyo Sexwhale (@tokyo_sexwhale) December 12, 2018
24.
Man to baker: “Why is this cake £2 and that one is £3?”
Baker: “That’s Madeira cake.”— Mum’s got a sharpie (@Mycatlola) December 12, 2018
25.
Q: What sport do you use a Wombat in?
A: WomI am a child.
— Oi! Dave! (@chirpysod) December 12, 2018
26.
@mrnickharvey Vet: Mrs.Jones I'll have to put your dog down
Mrs.Jones: Oh no is it something incurable?
Vet: No he's just heavy— Jill clough (@Jillclough2) December 12, 2018
27.
What do you call a magical dog?
A labracadabrador.— Everyone’s Favourite Jim (@JimmerUK) December 12, 2018
28.
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef— Liz Babb (@classytart) December 12, 2018
29.
What do you call a three eyed pig?
Piiig.
Still chuckle after many, many years
— Phillippa Ritchie (@PippityPip) December 12, 2018
30.
Why do divers fall backwards into the water off the side of the boat?
If they fell forward, they’ed still be in the boat
— Martin Randerson (@mvrander) December 12, 2018
31.
I spent 500 quid on a limo rental with no driver. All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
— Bobs (@_bobs__) December 12, 2018
32.
I saw a French Stick in a cage at the zoo.
It was bread in captivity.
— Baby Jesus (@JCautomatic) December 12, 2018
33.
A bear goes into a pub and says “I’ll have a………………………………………pint of bitter.”
The barman says “Why the big pause?”
The bear says “They’re for catching fish.”— robertwilfort (@robertwilfort) December 12, 2018
34.
Man walks into a chippy with a trout under his arm.
‘Have you got any fish cakes, mate?’ he asks the guy behind the counter.
‘Nah’ he replies.
‘Shame’ the first guy says, looking at the trout.
‘It’s his birthday’— Liz Mitchell (@saxylizbeth) December 12, 2018
35.
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man.— (@littlebrowndawg) December 12, 2018
They weren’t all safe for work …
Doctor: Mr Maxxi, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.
Me: Why? Is that what’s causing this pain in my hip?
Doctor: No, it’s just you’re upsetting everyone else in the waiting room.
— NikkoMaxxi (@MaxxiNikko) December 12, 2018
Kentucky Freud Chicken: Mother-Fucking Good.
— Alice Lascelles (@AliceLascelles) December 12, 2018
A farmer bursts into the room with a duck under his arm and announces:
– This is the pig I’ve been fucking.
His wife looks up and says:
– That’s not a pig, it’s a duck.
– I wasn’t talking to you.
— Neil (@_Enanem_) December 12, 2018
They didn’t even all make sense.
What’s the difference between a duck?
One of its legs is both the same.. pic.twitter.com/u9DN29dHHR
— Simon from Harlow (@simonfromharlow) December 12, 2018
But they did make us laugh.
In spite of bringing all these gems to our timelines, Nick may have regretted asking the question.
If I hear another ‘What’s E.T. short for?’ or ‘What’s brown and sticky?’ joke…
— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) December 12, 2018
That’s what you call “taking one for the team”.
