These might be the 34 greatest tweets of all time
18.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W— mo (@chuuew) November 5, 2014
19.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) June 5, 2014
20.
"Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?" my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
— Johnny Normality (@Probgoblin) February 7, 2014
21.
The word "tsunami" is not in my phone's T9 dictionary, so if you ever get a text from me that says "Trumang!", get the fuck off the beach.
— sloganeerist (@sloganeerist) July 20, 2009
22.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 5, 2015
23.
We're a modest company with modest goals:
1: sell a quality product at a fair price
2: drain the world's oceans so we can find and kill god— Steve D (@Stev_D) October 21, 2014
24.
She was a red hot dame with legs that went on for days, and then weeks, finally years. I suspected it was difficult to find pants that fit.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 28, 2013
25.
Funny how birds visually represent freedom, but are never getting any of my popcorn. Stare all you want you shitty toothless dinosaurs.
— vladchoc (@vladchoc) August 15, 2013
26.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn't removed the one from yesterday
— Slender Swab (@SlenderSwab) February 7, 2016
27.
His kiss was slow, but firm and unyielding like an old man backing his Lincoln Town Car over a handicapped parking sign.
— Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) January 21, 2014
28.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) December 6, 2017
29.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don't tell you how to do your job.— Gerry McBride (@GerryMcBride) March 21, 2016
30.
Someone drew a swastika on Trump's star on the Walk of Fame & there's no way to know if it was done by someone who hates him or supports him
— maura quint (@behindyourback) January 31, 2016
31.
MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BEES TO MY CAR
I SPILLED
ALL OVER MY CAR
BEES ARE
INSIDE OF MY CAR
THEY COULD KILL ME
I'M ALLERGIC TO BEES— drew janda (@drewjanda) November 7, 2015
32.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
— a ghost, online (@AbrasiveGhost) November 22, 2016
33.
Damn, this part of the library is Lit A-F
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) April 6, 2016
34.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) November 21, 2014
Bonus:
Imagine Pringles a in a bag— they’d never survive! Brittle, cowardly chip.
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) July 7, 2018