The 25 funniest tweets of the week
13.
Just sprayed a fly with Axe body spray and now he won’t stop sending me dick pics.
— Shay 🍔 (@justsomegirl81) June 30, 2019
14.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
— ⚡️Carly Danger⚡️ (@carlyken) June 19, 2019
15.
If I was a vampire I’d open a restaurant called Noshferatu.
— Moose Allain Ꙭ (@MooseAllain) June 30, 2019
16.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) June 28, 2019
17.
Rejoice, little man, for you have won the top hat. pic.twitter.com/n1k7w5gw16
— Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) July 3, 2019
18.
Chelsea have confirmed the appointment of Frank Lampard as head coach.
The club will now immediately begin the search for his successor.
— Paddy Power (@paddypower) July 4, 2019
19.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they'll hate it
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) July 4, 2019
20.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) July 2, 2019
21.
i can’t come in for work today ー
officially i was up all night with d&v. unofficially gonna finish my coffee, maybe have a wank and watch ‘homes under the hammer’… pic.twitter.com/f9Q69XBW7n— forest fr1ends (@forest_fr1ends) July 5, 2019
22.
Todd’s plans to cook an intimate dinner for two were dashed by his lack of opposable thumbs. pic.twitter.com/TvWEFvGsTO
— The Personification of Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) July 4, 2019
23.
When you set up the new shredder at work (because you broke the last one) but then realise someone’s bought the one that doesn’t shred gingerbread men. pic.twitter.com/BJxhtkV5GM
— Sheena (@sarky_sheena) June 21, 2019
24.
On January 1st 2019 I promised myself that I would work hard and remain focused to change my life and create the future that I want. Today I can say I am in exactly the same place I was 6 months ago, except 5lbs heavier
— Laura (@fairycakes) June 30, 2019
25.
A 15 year old just knocked Venus Williams out at Wimbledon. My eldest son turns 15 tomorrow and he's currently in his bedroom playing Fortnite in his underpants.
— Ashley Blaker (@AshleyBlaker) July 1, 2019