Our 25 favourite tweets from the past week
13.
What’s pink, fluffy, and wears sandals?
Gandhi Floss.
— Neil (@_Enanem_) April 28, 2020
14.
Really?
Because it looks like it explodes if you attempt to flee your futuristic prison colony pic.twitter.com/wWix43WCXp— Mitch Benn🇬🇧🇪🇺 (@MitchBenn) April 28, 2020
15.
Tried to impress our dinner guests with a sauce created from vodka, gravy & nitrous oxide but all I've done is make myself an absolut laughing stock.
— Perfectly Healthy Clandango (@Cain_Unable) April 27, 2020
16.
When life gives you colons… pic.twitter.com/KDR7SCxs0k
— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) April 29, 2020
17.
Deal or No Deal is back! https://t.co/ro7qxzCNRX
— Paul Jenkins (@fourfoot) April 26, 2020
18.
I overheard my daughter chatting with a friend and complaining about me. So I ran in and was like, "hey I complain about YOU to my friends!" And my daughter was like, "What friends?" And her friend shouted, "Oh burn." So, 9 year olds run things now.
— Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) April 30, 2020
19.
birds do it
bees do it
even educated fleas do it
lets do it
lets fly into a window— joe (@mutablejoe) April 30, 2020
20.
Can’t find the cat pic.twitter.com/DegAuYoXqZ
— Paul (@bingowings14) April 30, 2020
21.
did you know we only invented zero like 2000 years ago? biblical mfs didn’t even know about zero. they were out here like, “i had 6 kids. god killed them all for no reason so now i have… 100? 27? lowercase 1?”
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) April 30, 2020
22.
American recipes are always like
1 oz prime-grade meatsteak
42 fl oz cream-reduced Quam™️ (or mid-sodium)
1 monkey paw onion powder
2 monkey paws powdered onion
1 pound ramps
1 br apartment
1 stick butter-free butter
2¼ packs (11 oz) frozen spinach
kosher salt— Adam Liaw (@adamliaw) April 29, 2020
23.
Are you even a dad if you haven’t picked up an entire sharing platter and asked, “what are the rest of you having?”
— Pundamentalism (@Pundamentalism) May 1, 2020
24.
When you see a lad with an "Only God Can Judge Me" tattoo, you get the feeling a few magistrates courts have had a good go an'all.
— Sam Whyte (@SamWhyte) April 30, 2020
25.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
— Christopher Ashman (@CAshmanActor) April 30, 2020
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25 virus-free funny things from this week
Image @bingowings14