How to experience a night out (without actually leaving your house)

1. Queue outside your front door for half an hour before being allowed inside. 

2. Get repeatedly ignored by your hoover every time you try and ask it to serve you a drink.

3. Burn some of your money.

4. Rub some jam on the bottom of your shoes for the sticky floor experience.

5. Stand outside the toilet for 20 minutes, shuffling forward every couple of minutes, while trying not to wet yourself.

[Men: You can skip this step as you very rarely experience it on a night out]

6. When in the toilet, pretend the lock is broken and try to simultaneously wee and somehow hold the door shut.

7. Hide all the toilet paper so there isn’t any to use on future loo visits.

8. Open a bottle of cheap wine then set fire to a twenty pound note.

9. Ask Alexa to play some music by an artist you don’t particularly like. Very loudly.

10. Awkwardly dance around your living room. Apologise to your sofa when you bump into it and spill your drink down yourself.

11. Drunkenly flirt with a pot plant. 

12. Pretend your kettle persuaded you to do shots with it.

13. Burn some more of your money.

14. Repeatedly hug your microwave and tell it over and over again that you love it and it’s your best mate.

15. Heat up some chips until they’re lukewarm then set fire to a tenner.

16. While your chips are cooking, have a row with your fridge because it was ‘looking at you funny’.

17. Stand outside for 40 minutes trying to decide the best way to get home.

18. Set fire to the rest of your money.

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