Our 25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week
13.
When I shampoo my four-year-old, it sounds exactly like I’ve always imagined a Civil War–era amputation would sound with no anesthesia.
— Jeremy Wayne Tate (@JeremyTate41) January 14, 2026
14.
I have a cousin that’s a scientist, and he says that movie ‘Honey, I Shrunk The Kids’ is most likely bullshit.
— (@MoMohler) January 8, 2026
15.
I threw my dog a ball. Extravagant I know, but she looks gorgeous in an evening gown.
— Louise Jensen Duffy (writing as Ernest Jensen) (@LouiseWeebe) January 13, 2026
16.
Why did they call them cigars and not bigarettes
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) January 13, 2026
17.
You're not an adult until you use a butter knife as a screwdriver.
— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) January 10, 2026
18.
"Can you explain the gap in your resume?"
"That was the only time in my life I was truly happy."
— NEET (@NEETOCRACY) January 9, 2026
19.
Me at 18:
If I’m home by 4 a.m., I can still
wake up for work at 6.Me now:
We are absolutely not starting
a movie at 8 p.m.— Thrilla the Gorilla (@ThrillaRilla369) January 13, 2026
20.
German chocolate cake isn’t from Germany.
It’s named after American baker Samuel German, who developed the dark baking chocolate that came to be used in the cake recipe.
Also, we’re like 99% sure that ‘devil’s food cake’ wasn't first baked by Satan, the Prince of Darkness.
— Merriam-Webster (@MerriamWebster) January 15, 2026
21.
It’s been 26 years and here we are still waiting for Mambo No. 6.
— The Real Rodney Lacroix (@RealRodLacroix) January 14, 2026
22.
I SAID YES!!!!!! 👰♀💍🥂🤍✨️ I asked myself if i wanted to rewatch the x-files (1998) just to feel something again
— amy (@scullysfoxes) January 13, 2026
23.
I asked my wife for a wake up call this morning. She left a pic of her new handsome gym instructor on the pillow.
— Ian Power (@IHPower) January 15, 2026
24.
Laptop's battery: 1 hour 59 minutes remaining
Laptop after 20mins pic.twitter.com/KlMTjW5IdU
— Black Nation♥️ (@_agneeess) January 12, 2026
25.
I need to re-home a dog. I hate to do it but at this point I have no other choice. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a shit ton. If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
— Mike Bales 🫡🇺🇸 (@MikeBales) January 13, 2026
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Our 25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week
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