‘What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard at work?’ – 21 comical tales to get you through another week in the office

13.

‘From the premises manager: ‘I don’t want to use my sausage analogy but I have one if we need it’.’
–hardfeeellingsoflove

14.

‘Not my work but my sister told me that after lunch one day she asked her colleague if she’d had a nice lunch break and the girl replied: ‘Yeah, I just went out to spread my legs.’

‘Clearly she meant ‘stretch’.’
–jesscat0712

15.

‘Worked in a 999 call centre for a while 30+ years ago. Someone called Mr Broom phoned up to report a minor theft which he was understandably upset about and wanted action, but it was a Saturday night and we had no units to send for a non-emergency job. While I was doing my best to de-escalate a colleague passed me a memo on paper. We sometimes did this in pre-instant messaging days if there was other news coming in (e.g. stolen car been found).

‘The memo said, ‘Tell him we have made a clean sweep of the area…’

A stupid joke, but ending that call straight-faced while a couple of colleagues mimed cleaning duties was the original don’t laugh challenge.’
–GoldenGolgis

16.

‘A female office worker at a factory I used to work at: ‘I’m growing my hair short’.’
–Sxn747Strangers

17.

‘Way (way) back when I did temp jobs, the permies sent a new guy to the shop floor store to get an ‘air-mounted grapple hook for the clunge support ropes’. He duly trotted away, having double-checked the name of the required item and been given directions to the store. We expected him to come back and tell everyone to fuck off for being arseholes, but he just said – with a straight face- ‘They said they’ve not got one in stock, sorry’.

‘It felt like there was around three seconds of silence before someone gave out a guttural ‘Uh’ and everyone fell about in an almost deafening level of laughter. Full-on snot and tears around.’
–ceehred

18.

‘Journalist colleague talking to the coroner’s officer about a dead drink driver… ‘And was that alcohol in the blood or in his breath?’

Coroner’s Officer: ‘They don’t breathe when they’re dead, you know.”
–mackerel_slapper

19.

‘Heard my rather attractive female colleague ask an elderly male customer if he wanted to purchase the motor operated version of our product or ‘would you prefer me to give you a hand job?’

They were both totally oblivious and I had to leave the shop floor in tears.’
–bacon_cake

20.

‘A lass on her break eating pea soup, after the first spoonful she went ‘Mmm, pea-ness’ without realising what she said.’
–Salgado14

21.

‘Years ago I worked in a supermarket, stacking shelves. A female colleague comes past looking a bit flustered, so I ask what’s up, and she says an old man just asked her for a quickie.

‘A few minutes later another colleague, young lad, comes over and says – you’ll never guess – a man in a mobility scooter just asked him for a quickie.

‘So I go for a wander, and find this old chap in a mobility scooter, looking a bit lost. I ask if I can help and sure enough, he says he just wants a quickie. He had one last week for the first time, and now nobody will help him get another.

‘Turns out, my man wanted a quiche.’
–Distant_Planet

Source r/AskUK Image Screenshot