Our 25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week
Hello and welcome to our Friday round-up of funny posts from Twitter. There’s a bit of topical stuff in there, so if you’re looking for a way to escape the news, we’re very sorry.
There’s plenty more to entertain you, and – as always – we ask that you show a bit of love to your favourites.
1.
Due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds.
— Gramps (@GrandpaHarris65) March 2, 2026
2.
Car: omg check your engine!
Me: oh no, what’s wrong with it?
Car: fuck if I know.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 5, 2026
3.
Sorry, idk what a "passkey" is, and at my age, I'm not interested in learning. I'd rather just forget my password and have to reset it each time.
— Stephen N. Perkins (@stephenperkins) March 3, 2026
4.
What if I told you that one day in your late 40s you’ll be forced to fast then drink something that makes you violently shit for 24-hours before a group of doctors drug you and shove a camera up your ass and the worst part of the whole experience is the way the drink tastes?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 2, 2026
5.
Parenting turns you into a morning person the same way being chased by a bear turns you into a runner.
— Cali (@calidaysay) March 3, 2026
6.
every three months there is a moon that only occurs once every 10,000 years
— maddy’s profile (@theslowestdays) March 2, 2026
7.
The secret to productivity lies in the balance between espresso and heart palpitations
— meghan (@deloisivete) March 4, 2026
8.
Who you are when they steal something from your plate is the real you
— Ⓜ️isterD (@MisterD78UK) March 5, 2026
9.
Misogynist? Is there a Mr. Ogynist I can talk to?
— Jamarcus “Jam” Lippey (@mizzoulippey) March 2, 2026
10.
“You're very quiet”
Thanks for saying this in front of everyone, really helps.
— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) March 5, 2026
11.
at the doctor's office booing all the names being called that aren't mine
— soup🍓 (@thrluv) March 5, 2026
12.
A 13-20 character password?! Its Screwfix not Bletchley park 😂😫 pic.twitter.com/DoJWtJa3rq
— Peter Spokes (@realPeterSpokes) March 4, 2026