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Count Binface has launched the manifesto that could signal the biggest political upset in history – and do wonders for sales of unicycles

Oonagh Keating. Updated June 4th, 2026

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In two weeks, Makerfield will go to the polls in a by-election brought about by the resignation of Labour MP Josh Simons, who is standing aside to make way for Andy Burnham to be in a position to challenge Keir Starmer for the leadership.

Media speculation suggests it’s a race between Burnham for Labour, and Reform’s Robert Kenyon, whose campaigning has been hampered by his decision to avoid scrutiny over misogynistic, homophobic, and Islamophobic remarks made on the internet.

There are, however, 14 candidates (listed at the bottom of the page), including the mysterious alien, Count Binface.

On Wednesday, the Count launched his manifesto.

In case that’s a little difficult to see, here’s his full, extraordinary list of 20 pledges.

1. I will cut your taxes, and raise everyone else’s.
2. All 99 Flake ice-creams to cost no more than 99p and Wigan Kebabs to be price-capped at £2.
3. Rephase the traffic lights on Liverpool Road to ease congestion.
4. Corners to be refereed properly in football.
5. People who use speakerphones on public transport to be conscripted.
6. Wifi on trains that works. Also trains that work.
7. The £6.6 million Ashton-in-Makerfield regeneration scheme to be regenerated.
8. Pensions to be double-locked, with an extra little chain on the side.
9. Cyclists who break the highway code to be forced to ride unicycles instead.
10. Elected mayors to be ineligible for Parliament until after their term of office.
11. Free parking at the Gerard Centre to be increased to 3 hours.
12. Auto-renew on all online subscriptions to be abolished immediately.
13. HS2 to be renamed FFS1 and rerouted so it ploughs through rail execs’ homes.
14. Galloway Bakers’ ‘Full Monty Bin Lid’ breakfast to be Britain’s new national dish.
15. Tries in Rugby League to be increased from 4 to 5 points in line with inflation.
16. Ceefax to be brought back for the entire Greater Manchester area.
17. MPs to lose their subsidy for cheap food and drink in Parliament.
18. The hand-dryer in the gents’ toilet at the Crown & Treaty pub, Uxbridge to be moved to a more sensible position.
19. Count Binface to be the UK’s entrant at Eurovision 2027.
20. I stand by my past manifestos: croissants, Brexit, Trident, building at least one affordable house: I’ve got it all covered.

Something there for almost everyone. This could turn out to be the political upset of the year. If you doubt that, just look at this –

Although, we can’t guarantee that a Fabricant endorsement isn’t a kiss of death.

People have been weighing in on the manifesto, and it’s looking pretty good. Well…mostly.

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