Simply 33 Christmas jokes to get you right into the festive spirit
Here are 33 Christmas jokes to get you in the festive spirit. And not a Covid gag among them! (Because they’re from last year …)
1.
[a greetings card factory in 1900]
worker: sir the new landscape cards don’t actually stand up
manager: I see well let’s carry on making them for another hundred years
— Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) December 16, 2019
2.
7 reasons why The Thing (1982) is a Christmas film: 1) snow 2) bearded men concealing surprises 3) compulsory party games 4) introverts shunning group activities 5) digestive issues 6) revellers burst open to reveal partially assimilated canine lifeforms 7) knitwear
— Sarah Dempster (@Dempster2000) December 6, 2019
3.
🎶 makin a list
🎶 checkin it twice
🎶 make another list
🎶 i love lists
— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) December 16, 2019
4.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) November 29, 2019
5.
imagine all of your coworkers constantly bullying you about your big shiny nose and one day your boss who you love is like “hey where’s that nose guy i need headlights for my sleigh” i would cry
— average joe (@jazz_inmypants) November 29, 2019
6.
Bowie: why so sad Bing?
Bing: My inflatable butt has gone flat.
B: You need my rubber bum pump?
Bing: Rubber bum pump?
B: Rubber bum pump.— a man called alan (@crowbloke) December 4, 2019
7.
Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” is about friends practicing witchcraft but then someone walks in and they have to suddenly play it cool pic.twitter.com/0FscqecVzW
— Ryan George (@theryangeorge) December 11, 2019
8.
I just bought all my Christmas presents but now I’ve got no money left to buy for anyone else
— Funk doctor Seuss (@FU_TangClan) December 3, 2019
9.
The Queen refers to her Christmas speech as The One Show.
— Robin Flavell (@RobinFlavell) December 5, 2019
10.
Christmas is upon us! It’s time to put your sprouts on the boil.
Here’s a handy cooking guide to help you. pic.twitter.com/XacF4LUgB7— Jeffw (@Jeffwni) December 10, 2019
11.
My kids keep finding their Christmas presents hidden around the house. Someone suggested that I should keep them in the attic.
I tried that last night, but their constant whining kept me awake.
All the “I’m afraid of the dark” or “there’s spiders!”
Any other suggestions?— Linda *notanotherfiveyears??* #FBPE 🔶️ (@lindalinehan) December 14, 2019
12.
Where does Jona Lewie do his Xmas shopping?
Debenebenhamhams
Debenebenhams
Debenhamhams
Debenhams
DebenebenhamsDebenebenhamhams
Debenebenhams
Debenhamhams
Debenhams
Debenebenhams— Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) December 18, 2019
13.
And the Angel Gabriel appeared before Mary and said, “Ooh, I like your robe” and Mary did reply, “Thanks! It’s got pockets!”
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) December 17, 2019
14.
We asked for billions of presents to be delivered, in one night. Then chalked it up to “magic” so we didn’t have to face how he got it done.
This is on all of us. We don’t get to act offended now. pic.twitter.com/xg7338uOZ4— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) December 10, 2019
15.
Channel 5 today –
15:00 The Christmas Hat (film)
17:00 The Christmas Hat 2 (film)
19:00 News
19:05 National Treasure (film)
21:00 When Santa’s go fucking mental (documentary)
22:00 Christmas Blood of Satan / Santa {film)— Sir Andy Murray (@mrsbiltawulf) November 17, 2019
16.
What pic.twitter.com/PgYeV2MYvs
— Emma Manzini (@EmmaManzini) December 18, 2019
17.
He’s making a list
He’s checking it twice
Gonna find out who’s naughty or nice
Santa Claus is in violation of the General Data Protection Regulation (EU) 2016/679— joe (@mutablejoe) December 2, 2019
