Simply 33 Christmas jokes to get you right into the festive spirit
18.
My Christmas list this year is just the usual stuff, socks, deodorant, this taxidermy mouse chess set. pic.twitter.com/PV0FyTqZ4r
— cluedont (@cluedont) November 25, 2019
19.
On “Wonderful Christmastime,” Sir Paul McCartney set out to make a timeless Christmas classic and also to figure out what all the buttons on his synthesizer did, and he absolutely succeeded in one of those
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) December 6, 2019
20.
Fool the kids into thinking this will be the best Xmas ever by circling all the expensive stuff in the Argos catalogue.
— Paul (@bingowings14) December 1, 2019
21.
My children asked for a traditional Victorian Christmas so I’ve given them a 90 hour working week and rickets.
— Geraint (@geraintgriffith) December 10, 2019
22.
Has anyone tried giving them figgy pudding?
— The Irish Border (@BorderIrish) December 3, 2019
23.
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Ate them. pic.twitter.com/YjRVIRANVW
— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) December 3, 2019
24.
Some people will spend Christmas alone this year, without any friends or family. But there’s no need for them to gloat about it.
— paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) December 2, 2019
25.
It’s funny how you only see mistletoe at Christmas. pic.twitter.com/EkFfnJ9JCM
— rab livingstone (@rablivingstone) December 3, 2019
26.
Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom… bloody cheapskates.
— Neil (@_Enanem_) December 14, 2019
27.
Me: Last night I found Father Christmas in the kitchen eating our leftover pizza
Daughter: Dad, I’m too old to believe in leftover pizza
— Ayn Randy (@ItsAndyRyan) December 9, 2019
28.
One of the many great things about being a freelancer is that I don’t have to go to a work Christmas party. I can just as well get drunk on my own, have a massive argument with myself, and photocopy my own arse.
— Julie Bindel (@bindelj) December 13, 2019
29.
Front of a Christmas tree Vs the back of a Christmas tree pic.twitter.com/suHKdmns70
— Dobby Club (@DobbyClub06) December 8, 2019
30.
ELF I NEED DIRT ON SANTA DO US THIS FAVOR pic.twitter.com/q1SH4aK2W2
— TrivWorks (@TrivWorks) December 6, 2019
31.
Don’t forget the scotch tape when you’re wrapping your Christmas gifts. I recommend two glasses of scotch for every piece of tape.
— Melanie (@ImMelanieGibson) December 5, 2019
32.
If you read the Nativity story backwards, a couple kidnap a baby from a Christmas party, she shoves it up her skirt and they escape on a donkey
— Craig Deeley 🇪🇺🏳️🌈 (@craiguito) December 15, 2019
33.
. Santa Vampire
– visits houses
at night ☑️ ☑️– needs an
invitation ☑️ ☑️– immortal ☑️ ☑️
– cold-blooded
killer ☑️ ☑️— Pessimus Prime (@BigJDubz) November 18, 2019
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