Our 25 favourite funny things from the past week
The UK government’s coronavirus advice has evolved from “wash your hands” to “wash your hands more than that”, with a few extra notes about when to self-isolate. The US government, in contrast, is basically running in circles, yelling “It was the Dems!”, “It was Europe!”, “Lock all the doors!”.
On Twitter, approximately two million people have made the “I always self-isolate” joke; if 100 more say it, it will qualify for entry into the Guinness Book of Records.
Happily, each of these 25 fine offerings is different.
1.
ME: I’m like a bird, I’ll
NELLY FURTADO: only fly away
ME: *scribbling out ‘shit on your car’* Yeah, that’s probably better.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) March 7, 2020
2.
Welcome to Glasgow, where a global pandemic hits and still nobody will touch anything vegan. pic.twitter.com/f3FM1HByxN
— Guffers (@gavmacn) March 7, 2020
3.
Interesting fact: t-shirt is actually short for “Tyrannosaurus Shirt”
— Alice R Fraser (@aliterative) March 7, 2020
4.
When your Nan gets her Vajazzle pic.twitter.com/BxiMfl4Y1q
— Sarah (@idlewildgirl) March 7, 2020
5.
if you retire does that mean you’ve completed LinkedIn
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) March 10, 2020
6.
If you ever see me staring out a window with a troubled look on my face, it’s most likely because I’ve been caught by the “but WHY was Scooby’s diction so bad when his younger nephew Scrappy had perfect English?” conundrum again. It happens every five years or so.
— Aisling Bea (@WeeMissBea) March 12, 2020
7.
A book about what to say sarcastically over your shoulder when you leave a room after losing an argument about who gets to keep the cockatiel. pic.twitter.com/V2SSr7EamP
— Steven Sheil (@SSheil) March 8, 2020
8.
I don't trust the WHO on health advice – they hope people die before they get old
— Ayn Randy (@ItsAndyRyan) March 7, 2020
9.
Why has my fitbit just buzzed me for being inactive? I've literally *just* got off the sofa to get a cake.
— Rainy (@rainy101) March 8, 2020
10.
Went to get a haircut today.
Barber: What do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a writer, what about you?
Barber: ……… I'm a barberWe didn't speak for the rest of the haircut. I am happy to announce that I shall never be interacting with another human being again.
— TechnicallyRon (@TechnicallyRon) March 8, 2020
11.
In 2011, I wrote a feature about men's moisturiser for Tatler. They sent me a box of the stuff to try. This morning, I ran out. It's a big day.
— Hugo Rifkind (@hugorifkind) March 9, 2020
12.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work for Facebook?
Me: I'm keen on protecting people's data and want them to have a good user experience
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me: haha I'm joking I don't give a shit
Interviewer: haha omg I was like whaaatttt lmao
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) March 9, 2020