Our Favourite Funny Tweets of the Year (Part 2)
26.
me: can you hold this paper on my fridge?
magnet: hell yeah easy
me: what about 2 papers
magnet: do i look like a fucking gorilla to you
— slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) September 19, 2023
27.
Can I interest anyone in a hot, dusty salad? pic.twitter.com/skzwGLAg8B
— Ben Boven (@benboven1) September 21, 2023
28.
every ad in london is like “hey bestie we live in hell haha buy this coffee ” pic.twitter.com/WokohV1Htg
— milo edwards (@Milo_Edwards) September 23, 2023
29.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn't go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you're ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) September 28, 2023
30.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
— PUNS (@ThePunnyWorld) September 25, 2023
31.
Thanks heavens the writers strike is over. I need more of the 4 great stories:
1. Middle-aged man is actually a highly trained assassin
2. Yes, Chef!
3. The toy you liked in the 90s had a difficult road to market
4. Ooh, the people who sell Fentanyl aren’t very nice— Dara Ó Briain (@daraobriain) September 26, 2023
32.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
— Maryfairyboberry♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 25, 2023
33.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat— Thoughts of Dog (@dog_feelings) September 25, 2023
34.
There's no way the duck is going to win. pic.twitter.com/KWY4nXiUMD
— Rachel England (@Rachel_England) September 30, 2023
35.
I'm 40 years old and I still don't know whether to turn on the AC or the heater to get rid of the fog on the windshield in winters and I think it's too late to ask anyone now.
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) October 5, 2023
36.
— (@ceefaux) October 5, 2023
37.
Dracula is a tragic figure, a European who doesn't like garlic
— Rob Palk (@robpalkwriter) October 7, 2023
38.
If they don't sell a Fight Club Sandwich then what are we even doing here? pic.twitter.com/lNieYgVRp5
— Kona Slater (@KonaSlater) October 9, 2023
39.
I really respect a Muller corner, love to feel like I’m involved in the creative process of a yoghurt
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) October 11, 2023
40.
The Passion of the Christ should have been called Whatever Happened to Baby Jesus.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) December 12, 2023
41.
"What flavour you having?"
"I don't know. Orange?"
"No can do, it's either Lewis Hamilton or Assault" pic.twitter.com/7OC4lfRQvE— ❄️Sam Whyte❄️ (@SamWhyte) October 15, 2023
42.
No it wasn’t. pic.twitter.com/t2d6lF5wzp
— Jay Foreman (@jayforeman) October 18, 2023
43.
Solicitors are hilarious aren’t they? I get that they charge for every little interaction but last month I emailed mine to tell him I’d paid my bill and he charged me £12 for reading the email!
— Jason Manford (@JasonManford) October 19, 2023
44.
Revisit those "fun sized" chocolate bars of your childhood by simply buying the supposedly normal sized ones now.
— Jason (@NickMotown) December 13, 2023
45.
"What's up, babe? You've hardly worn your North Norfolk District Council clog…" pic.twitter.com/Awo6dbzc6z
— Hannah O'Hanrahahanrahan (@buntyhoven) November 18, 2023
46.
Literally everyone is getting married pic.twitter.com/k3MOVXzY0I
— Hanna Dickinson (@hansdickie) October 23, 2023
47.
that’s… actually the optimal kind of toilet when you think about it pic.twitter.com/ZiA1pLlhxe
— edie! edi! edié! (@ediemullen) October 24, 2023
48.
Me when I’ve managed to successfully make porridge without it exploding in the microwave pic.twitter.com/mRvfb2J42t
— Scott Bryan (@scottygb) November 15, 2023
49.
young boys' manager was looking for a job and then he found a job pic.twitter.com/S7XNwBBw6i
— Aidan James (@mcandidate) November 7, 2023
50.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) November 1, 2023
READ MORE
100 Funniest Tweets of 2022 (Part 2)
Image @drhingram
