50 Tweets That Will Brighten Your Day #2
1.
https://twitter.com/rolldiggity/status/125316567935352832
2.
https://twitter.com/craiguito/status/533574252826755072
3.
Icelandic lullaby pic.twitter.com/ITzM4fQcjz
— sophiepenrose (@sophiepenrose) July 31, 2015
4.
"Welcome to the jungle"
Thanks.
"We've got fun and games"
Cool.
"You're in the jungle"
We've established this
"You're gonna die!"
Wait what?— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 23, 2014
5.
The first rule of Hobbit Club is there's no tolkien about The Hobbit Club.
— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) August 2, 2015
6.
"Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?"
"No Storm, we broke up. You could say she's my…"
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*— FRO VO (@fro_vo) July 19, 2014
7.
https://twitter.com/ITSSADWHEN/status/627419470370349056
8.
https://twitter.com/celestinelea90/status/627549187027001344
9.
https://twitter.com/VanguardVivian/status/628734470724681728
10.
Bae: come over
Me: I can't, I'm hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren't home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.— Rhys James (@rhysjamesy) November 17, 2014
11.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 24, 2014
12.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) August 2, 2013
13.
The Bible is basically the longest set of Terms & Conditions ever, which is why so many people agree with it without knowing why.
— sixthformpoet (@sixthformpoet) October 7, 2014
14.
https://twitter.com/ruinedpicnic/status/567353107622166528
15.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) October 28, 2013
16.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
— Joe West (@joejwest) September 9, 2014
17.
The most impressive thing about Arsenal is how it's very nearly two bum words in one name.
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) January 12, 2015
18.
https://twitter.com/KeetPotato/status/607940413115236352
19.
https://twitter.com/TechnicallyRon/status/366139120440971264
20.
Daddy Bear -"Someones been sleeping in my bed."
Mummy Bear -"Wouldn't be the first time."
Daddy Bear -"It's been 3 years Sue, let it go."
— Fuzzy felt eyebrows (@TheRealNickKay) January 29, 2015
21.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.— ristolable (@ristolable) August 13, 2014
21.
If you're stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
— pensive calypso music (@pharmasean) June 12, 2013
22.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas— David Hughes (@david8hughes) January 5, 2015
23.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) June 4, 2014
24.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
— zoë bread (@zoebread) August 25, 2013
25.
https://twitter.com/Fred_Delicious/status/367657184068644864
26.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying— bug; imperceivable (@dril) September 29, 2013
27.
https://twitter.com/madeleinedoux/status/571407475511058432
28.
https://twitter.com/ElleOhHell/status/433123219634024448
29.
No you didn't. pic.twitter.com/lJTd5yvyeb
— Kerry (@RoxanneLaWin) August 1, 2015
30.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) November 21, 2014
31.
Parmesan Sir?
"Yes please"
Say when.
*Grates Parmesan*
Sir?
"…"
*Grates fingers*
SIR?
"…"
*Grates entire hand*
Please…I have a family.— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) July 8, 2014
32.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
"both are nice"
[wife calls later]
"how'd it go"
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster— brent (@murrman5) September 22, 2014
33.
https://twitter.com/kidd_kong78/status/627956563098079232
34.
I drink to forget about the time I waved at someone who was waving to a person behind me
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) January 24, 2013
35.
If I were a woman, when I encountered sexism I’d be like “BRB, I’m gonna go *MAKE A HUMAN* IN MY BODY LIKE A MAGICAL GOD, YOU SAD OAF.”
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) August 9, 2012
36.
Interviewer: 'So where do you see yourself in 5-years time?'
Me: 'My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.'
— cluedont (@cluedont) September 18, 2013
37.
When someone says, "Oh, you look like I feel"
Say, "You feel like a SEXY MOTHERFUCKER?"
Then moonwalk away whilst maintaining eye contact.
— Dan (@ehdannyboy) September 12, 2013
38.
GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
— Mat (@MatCro) July 26, 2015
39.
https://twitter.com/GaryDelaney/status/262161449424670722
40.
https://twitter.com/FeministaJones/status/627680936189132800
41.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They're not laughing now because it was ages ago.
— Liz Buckley (@liz_buckley) November 19, 2013
42.
The inventor of autocorrect has died. I didn't even know he was I'll.
— Mr Roger Quimbly (@RogerQuimbly) November 12, 2014
43.
Son: Why do bees have sticky hair?
Me: I'll find out. *googles* Bees have epidermal cells called…
Son: [sadly] 'Cos they use honeycombs.— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) January 5, 2015
44.
Having kids hasn't stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it's just ruined.
— Easily Tempted (@EasilyTempted) July 10, 2014
45.
https://twitter.com/sad_tree/status/613752222837571584
46.
KNOCK
KNOCK
KNOCK KNOCK
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCKWho's there?
Fibonacci
— Bread Zeppellin (@breadzeppellin) August 11, 2014
47.
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) October 24, 2014
48.
https://twitter.com/markleggett/status/625192504111923200
49.
Benedict Cumberbatch walks into a bar.
Barman says 'Why the long face?'
'Genetics', he sobs, and then I comfort him, sexually.— Gabby Hutchinson Crouch (@Scriblit) April 13, 2013
50.
"The bond's Name. James Name"
Pleased to… what?
"Bond Name's the james"
Are you alright?
"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) December 2, 2014
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