“If only I didn’t eat avocados I could have bought three houses by now” sobs millennial

“Millennials need to adjust their expectations,” said report author and property tycoon Todd Dangles, who evicted his first family at the age of 18. “Why are they drinking expensive coffee when they can drink free rainwater from a gutter?”

“I just wish this kind of vital financial advice had been given to me when I was younger,” wept one 26-year-old man, who enjoyed a leisurely brunch with friends just THREE weeks ago.

“I guess this is why I’m living in rented property I can barely afford and working a job that hasn’t had a pay rise for 3 years in a country with a soaring inflation rate.”

“I thought my situation was down to the rising prices and stagnant economy caused by the global financial crisis in 2007 – turns out if was my fault all along because I ate a few of those stupid fucking avocados.”