Old jokes, new jokes, bad jokes, dad jokes – 17 funny favourites
As well as being Madonna’s birthday and Elvis’s anniversary, 16th August was National Tell A Joke Day.
There’s definitely a joke in the ether about Elvis and Madonna, for anyone who cares to give it some thought, but we just wanted you to tell us any jokes at all.
As ever, you stepped up, and you told us some belters – plus a few stinkers that we sort of loved anyway.
1.
Alison Ayres
Via
2.
Where can you find a tortoise with no legs?
Wherever you last put it.
Terry Newman
3.
What’s the fastest cake in the world?
Scone!
Donna Thomas
4.
How do the beach boys order their drinks? Round, round, get a round I get a round
Peter Ely
5.
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.
Julie Alexander
6.
Two flies were sitting on a piece of dog muck. One burped and the other one said,
“Do you mind? I’m having my tea.”
Claire Bennett
7.
Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Mandy Louise
8.
Louiza Maragozidis
Via
9.
Two zombies in a bath. One says ‘aaaaarghbluh,grrrrrrrrrrrrr,mmmmmmnnnnnnn’grrrrrrr’aaaaaaaarghhhhhhh!’ The other one turns ans says….. ‘Put in some cold water, then!’ 😁
Andrew Erl’Ov Grunt
10.
Went into hmv last Christmas. The girl behind the counter said ‘merry christmas’ I said ‘you too’,
‘2nd aisle on the left’ she replied.
Tony Regan
11.
What do you call an elephant that no one cares about? 🐘
– Irrelephant.
Ola Ljunggren Bergeå
12.
Did you hear about the giraffe race? It was neck and neck 🦒🦒
Penny Copeland
13.
How do you keep flies out of the kitchen?
Keep some poo in the lounge.
Tania Rodrian
14.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on the side?
So they can scan de navy in.
Hannah York
15.
Did you hear about the Cowboy in paper trousers who got arrested for rustling!
Yvette Campbell
16.
Why did Ariel wear seashells?
Because she outgrew her B shells.
Matt Searle
17.
Richard Scott
Via
BONUS
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if l say a word?” “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora” and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.
Claire Beard
READ MORE
23 hilarious dad jokes to help escape the hell of it all for a moment or two
