Just 48 of the best one-liners to distract you from the gloom and give you a bit of a laugh
We all need the occasional break from, well… from all of this *gestures vaguely*.
So let’s have another big round up of jokes. We hope you enjoy this list of one-liners, gags and utter silliness from some great comedians.
- Milton Jones: I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- Mitch Hedberg: I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
- Tim Vine: I’ve decided to sell my Hoover — well, it was just collecting dust.
- Steven Wright: I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Zoe Lyons: I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
- Jack Whitehall: I saw a sign that said ‘Watch for children’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair swap.’
- Anthony Jeselnik: The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.
- Olaf Falafel: I keep shouting broccoli and cauliflower — I think I might have florets.
- Rodney Dangerfield: I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous — everyone hasn’t met me yet.
- Mark Simmons: I tried to start a hot air balloon business, but it never really took off.
- Jimmy Carr: I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’ — so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Masai Graham: I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta.
- Nina Conti: I once dated a mime artist — broke up with me without saying a word.
- Eddie Izzard: I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
- Darren Walsh: I just deleted all the German names from my phone. It’s Hans-free.
- Demetri Martin: I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
- Tim Vine: I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.
- Anthony Jeselnik: I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance — so I pushed her over.
- Milton Jones: If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.
- Tommy Cooper: I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
- Mitch Hedberg: I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
- Phil Wang: I’ve just taken up meditation. It’s better than sitting around doing nothing.
- Rodney Dangerfield: My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
- Stewart Francis: I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together — riveting!
- Adele Cliff: The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle — it was a violin establishment.