People shared the most inventive British way to call someone ‘useless’ – 23 especially imaginative homegrown insults

Anyone can call someone an idiot. Or a f-ing idiot. Or a m———–g idiot, if you really want to be NSFW about it.

But there are so many more creative and entertaining ways to let someone know precisely how little regard you have for them. And we say that after Redditor cazzawazza1 asked the following question …

‘What is the most inventive British way to call someone ‘useless’? I’ve heard ‘chocolate teapot ‘ and ‘a one legged man in an arse kicking contest’, but how else can I describe someone useless?’

And they received a cornucopia of lovingly well-crafted and highly insulting replies. Here are our favourites.

1.

‘Somewhere, a village is missing its idiot.’
–brokenbear76

2.

‘As useful as a convertible submarine is a favourite of mine.’
–MandarinWalnut

3.

‘If brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose.’
–HoraceorDoris

4.

‘As sharp as a marble.’
–apeliott

5.

‘Couldn’t find his own arse with both hands and a map.’
–kifflington

6.

‘Couldn’t empty a bucket of water if the instructions were on the bottom.’
–monkeymidd

7.

‘As useful as a marzipan dildo.’
–bizstring

8.

‘As welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.’
–Beneandhot

9.

‘Has two brain cells and they’re fighting for third place.’
–SirDanDanielson

10.

‘He’s slower than coastal erosion.’
–Cagarner

11.

”As dumb as a box of hair’ has to be a favourite of mine.’
–stupre1972