Our 25 Favourite Funny Tweets of the Week

wake up babe, people are about to discover reading. pic.twitter.com/gppodT1O2G

— muddbear (@muddb3ar) October 28, 2026

Every night I go to bed determined to begin a serious exercise routine in the morning. Every morning I wake up grateful to be older and wiser than the impetuous young fool who made that decision last night.

— paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) October 28, 2026

this is what liza minelli says when she tries to turn off a lamp https://t.co/ejdTrF3vVl

— shiv roy’s maid of honor (@sondheimite) October 28, 2026

There's a time and a place for white chocolate. That time is never and that place is the trash.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 28, 2026

Isn’t it weird that monosyllabic has five syllables.

— Eric Idle (@EricIdle) October 28, 2026

Instead of calling in sick, I’m going to call in healthy. I’m not coming in today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on work

— Neet (@neet_sol) October 28, 2026

Microsoft wants to replace 60,000 employees with AI when they can’t even tell you where OneDrive put your fucking file

— 𝒢𝒾𝓁𝒷ℯ𝓇𝓉 (@AbakpaJob) October 28, 2026

Our dogs are named Cartier and Rolex. They’re watch dogs

— Cooper Lawrence (@CooperLawrence) October 28, 2026

Dear kids, we didn’t have emojis we had to like things with our face.

— Not Today Eric (@NotTodayEric) October 25, 2026

They say the early bird gets the worm, but that’s not always true. My uncle has worms, and he hasn’t woken up before noon once in his adult life.

— Pasta Fazool (@chrisdowning) October 22, 2026

There's two types of people: those wizards who magically glide the scissors through the wrapping paper and then there's the rest of us muggles

— Ⓜ️isterD (@MisterD78UK) October 29, 2026

I might run for office just to find out what skeletons are in my closet; that way I don’t have to dig them up myself.

— Darla (@ddsmidt) October 28, 2026

I’ve reached the age where if a recipe has 15 ingredients and tells me to let something rest overnight, I close the page and make toast.

— Resko★ (@Bloke_Baz) October 29, 2026