25 favourite funny tweets of the week
Happy Friday – or whatever day you’re reading this. We’re pleased to present our 25 favourite tweets from the past seven days, all neatly bundled up for your enjoyment.
As always, retweet any that grab your attention, and maybe give them a follow.
1.
anyone have tips for cutting back on shower time? here's how i usually shower:
shampooing – 2 mins
conditioning – 1 min
body wash – 3 mins
vividly hallucinating revenge fantasies – 32 mins
face wash – 1 min— erin chack (@ErinChack) April 27, 2022
2.
Never meet your heroes. pic.twitter.com/7SC9tu5nMG
— David Scott (@arghkid) April 27, 2022
3.
The first man on the moon's lesser well known cousin pic.twitter.com/WKFWd59jUz
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) April 26, 2022
4.
Phone call from my mother – panic stricken because she’d poured herself a gin but couldn’t open the tonic water. Paramedics are on the way.
— Julian Clary (@JulianClary) April 28, 2022
5.
Interviewer: You have firefighter listed on your resume. How does that apply to the job you’re applying for?
Me, spraying lighter fluid all over his desk: Well, we’re about to find out, aren’t we?
— Lord Hugh Mungus (@PoodleSnarf) April 26, 2022
6.
How to fix a computer:
-Say “come on” at it
-Mash a key 4-5 times, preferably space or esc
-Look at the back, jiggle a wire (if it’s a laptop: look underneath)
-Act like life is now completely ruined
-Blame anyone else in the room
-Walk away for a bit
-It’s working again now— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) April 28, 2022
7.
pretty sure my hot girl summer will just be sweating profusely while trying to get out of my car after smashing a 20 nugget meal from McDonald’s
— vision bored (@visionbored2) April 28, 2022
8.
I totally meant the entire screen of my phone to be included on the canvas. Thankful photo place shared my vision. pic.twitter.com/T5GW4euJF8
— Shaparak Khorsandi 🌻💙💛 (@ShappiKhorsandi) April 23, 2022
9.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.— Ordinary (@OrdinaryAlso) April 27, 2022
10.
It's often mentioned that Shakespeare was born and died on the same date. Now, whether you like his stuff or not, you have to admit that's a shitload of work to bang out in 24 hours.
— Jason (@NickMotown) April 23, 2022
11.
If you enjoy just cleaning the kitchen over and over and over until you die you’ll love being an adult
— UnrealWill (@unreal_will) April 24, 2022
12.
She-Ra is short for She'd Rather do anything else than listen to you talk about crypto
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) April 28, 2022
